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In 2013, my husband Ric and I welcomed our first child Grayson into our family. In 2015 we decided to try for another child but after 12 months we'd had 1 miscarriage and were really worried that we'd be unable to have any more children. After multiple tests and Doctors visits miraculously, I was pregnant...with identical twins!
After a relatively straightforward pregnancy in week 36 I started feeling contractions but after two visits to the hospital and no babies, our obstetrician decided to induce me the following week. With our final obstetrician appointment booked for the day after and my husband Ric busy with appointments in his new business it was touch and go whether we would attend our simply wait for the final few days until our induction but after discussions we decided to go.
Sat in the waiting room we had no idea what was about to happen but after a 15-minute delay we were in and checking the baby’s heartbeats on the ultra sound. After easily finding baby 1's (Lincoln's) heartbeat we had a surreal couple of minutes beginning with the awkwardness of believing that our doctor simply couldn't locate baby 2 (Charlie) to the horrible realisation that our beautiful baby was fighting for life.
One minute, we were excitedly looking forward to the birth of our twins, the next and I'm being wheeled hurriedly across the hospital to have an emergency c-section. After 5 minutes of prep, they quickly removed the first baby and handed him over for resuscitation. On seeing this Ric asked 'Is that our poorly baby (Charlie)?'. To which the Doctor replied 'No that is your good baby (Lincoln)'. We were crushed, suddenly within half an hour we'd gone from a seemingly guaranteed 2 babies, to a high possibility of losing them both.
In deep panic we both prayed to God to save our babies. After what seemed like half an hour of resuscitation and many prayers and tears (but was actually a minute and a half) we heard Lincoln cry. After a momentary feeling of relief, we turned to our obstetrician who had continued to remove our second baby Charlie but unfortunately, he had passed and was lifeless.
Shell shocked, confused and numb we were moved to the baby intensive care unit where we would stay for the next 10 days as Lincoln regained his strength. The ICU was also equipped with cold cots where Charlie was laid for us to hold and nurture. After 3 days we made the difficult choice of saying goodbye to him as he taken for post-mortem in the hope of understanding what had happened to cause his passing.
Over the coming days with the help of the wonderful doctors and nurses in the ICU, Lincoln continued to regain strength and eventually thrive. We received unbelievable help and support from our Pastors at our church who helped us navigate the difficulties in telling people and making funeral arrangements.
A few weeks later we were in a crematorium saying goodbye to our little boy. Ric and I were both very strong and supported each other throughout with the help of our wonderful family, church and friends. Whilst arranging the ceremony we were asked to choose an urn for Charlie’s ashes. After many hours of searching through urns we were unsatisfied by the selection. We wanted something that was tranquil, more uplifting and less associated with death. We didn't know what we wanted then but we knew that it wasn't anything that we'd seen. In the end we kept Charlie's cremains in a small scattering tube with the hope of finding something in future.
The next few months were very difficult for us all. Our feelings were a constant bitter sweet, we had the amazing joy of our beautiful new son Lincoln combined with the constant yearning for what might have been with Charlie. However, we made it through and during a short family holiday we came across a beautiful stack of pebbles on the beach and Eternity Pebble was born.
In 2018 Ric and I decided to start Grayboo Brands, a company that creates and manufactures beautiful and innovative products. We had seen an opportunity in the children's market, had the concept designed and need a manufacturer so Ric went to a Trade Fair in October 2018. During the fait Ric found a manufacturer of beautiful stoneware items. As soon as he saw them, he knew that this was what we were looking for. After getting samples we employed a 3D designer to create Charlie's Eternity Pebble urn and we worked with our manufacturer to create our design.
In May 2019 we showed Eternity Pebble to our Pastor who agreed that this could be a wonderful way to for Charlie short life to help others who have been through a similar situation so we decided to launch on Amazon US.
In September 2019 we received our finished product and Charlie finally had his urn and in October we launched on Amazon US. We have created a beautiful Pebble shaped urn which is a tasteful tribute to our gorgeous boy. Twinned with a small candle memorial pebble it allows us to light a vigil on Charlie's and Lincoln's birthday or simply when we need to remember.
We hope that Charlie's Eternity Pebble can help people experiencing loss and remind them that pain and grief will smoothen over time.
We plan to donate to charities, helping couples and families going through still birth and child loss adding meaning to Charlie's short life and helping people around the world.
We hope that Eternity Pebble can help you navigate this difficult period and honor the memory of your loved one for eternity.
ThanksThe tragedy of Miscarriage or Still Birth has long been considered to the realm of the mother alone. An air of secrecy, shame, and silence have been the historical reaction to a Miscarriage or Still Birth, with only healthcare professionals offering the consolation that the pain would lessen over time.
Consequently, the grief of mothers has often been unfairly shunned. In this piece, we will address parents’ grief following a Miscarriage or Still Birth with particular emphasis on the mother and how performing rituals could assuage said grief.
The common thread connecting all those who’ve suffered a Miscarriage or Still Birth is clear: grief. We can see from the in diary entries from the 16th century onwards. Since that time, scientific advancements and societal progressions have not quelled the emotional turmoil that comes with a Miscarriage or Still Birth. While there’s understandably no written evidence, we can only imagine that these fundamental, harrowing feelings have been felt since the dawn of our species.
However, despite all evidence of it being a difficult time in which plenty of support is needed, the aftermath of Miscarriage or Still Birth has often been kept under wraps and left unaddressed.
As a result, a culture of myth, taboo, and misunderstanding arose around Miscarriage or Still Birth.
One of those misunderstandings being that Miscarriage or Still Birth is not a life-changing event.
"Because it is medically common, the impact of Miscarriage or Still Birth is often underestimated," says Janet Jaffe, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist at the Center for Reproductive Psychology in San Diego and co-author of the 2010 book "Reproductive Trauma: Psychotherapy with Infertility and Pregnancy Loss Clients."
Jaffe goes on to express, "But Miscarriage or Still Birth is a traumatic loss, not only of the pregnancy but of a woman’s sense of self and her hopes and dreams of the future. She has lost her' reproductive story,' and it needs to be grieved."
Recently, comments, as stated above from numerous researchers and experts, are proving effective in shifting public opinion concerning Miscarriage or Still Birth. In fact, the veil of social taboo has been lifting with women increasingly being encouraged to share their experiences and grieve properly.
However, there remains some unawareness regarding the potential knock-on mental health effects of Miscarriage or Still Birth for a mother. As a species, when our sense of self has been shaken or even uprooted, we tend to feel as though we’re losing control. Moreover, the shock and anguish of a sudden loss can throw off our life plans and drain us mentally.
Continue to "Active Grieving and Mourning Rituals"
But what do we really know about grief and how to manage it? We've previously attempted to categorize grief into seven stages, perhaps in order to come to grips with the completely unpredictable nature of grief. We’re naturally aware that some people are more adept at dealing with grief than others.
George Bonanno, a clinical psychologist at Columbia University and author of The Other Side of Sadness, has studied grief closely for over two decades. His research suggests that 50 to 60 percent of mourners show no symptoms of grief one month following the loss. Some even overcome the grief within days.
It's tempting to believe these staggered convalescence periods are due to differences in emotional resilience or experience. However, it appears there may be a single common psychological mechanism underlying shorter grieving times - ritualistic behavior.
Marine workers are a real-life case study of the psychological benefits of rituals. The fact remains that fishers and related fishing workers take a considerable risk by simply going to work every day. As of 2018, their fatal injury rate was 77.4 per 100,000 workers making it the second most dangerous profession in the US.
Due to the unpredictable nature of their work, fishers regularly relinquish control to the weather, boat condition, co-workers, and many other variables. To gain back a sense of control, fishers, helmspersons, and other seafarers alike have traditionally taken part in rituals or adhered to superstitions to secure good outcomes.
This exact compensatory mechanism is believed to play a large part in helping people process grief in the aftermath of both an unexpected and expected death.
Grief isn't just an emotional experience; it's an entire paradigm shift. When something unfortunate happens beyond a person's control, like the death of a loved one, they often revaluate their fundamental understanding of the world and their role within it.
Feelings of hopelessness and not being in control can prolong the mental strife of a parent. Coincidentally, the sad feelings that come with grief can lead to listlessness and lack of motivation to maintain a routine.
Rituals can mimic the stability of routine without the demanding elements that are often involved.
Unlike the placebo effect, the benefits derived from performing rituals do not require you to believe in them. The psychological mechanism at work behind rituals is supposed to come from the consistency of the actions, not the conviction behind them. A study conducted by Michael I. Norton and Francesca Gino of Harvard Business School concluded "believing in the effectiveness of rituals did not moderate the relationship between performing rituals and reduced grief."
While most ritualistic behavior throughout history has been attributed to religions and beliefs, it transpires that neither appears to be necessary to reap the psychological benefits.
In the same study, the theory of using rituals as a strategy to overcome grief is confounded: "engaging in rituals mitigates grief by restoring the feelings of control that are impaired by both life-changing (the death of loved ones) and more mundane (losing lotteries) losses."
From this, we can derive that performing regular rituals could aid parents suffering grief from a miscarriage. By providing the habitual patterns that our brains seek out day-to-day, it's possible that the grieving mind could be soothed. Moreover, when control has been restored, the griever has renewed headspace to process the traumatic experience and the following emotions effectively. Interestingly, as is indicated in the study, there is no limit to what can be considered a ritual as long as it is a set of actions that is repeated at regular intervals. The actions that are taken do not sway the efficacy of rituals as a means to remedy grief.
In the middle of their crisis Ric and Charmaine had no idea about mourning rituals, they simply knew what felt right for them to remember and commemorate their son. They felt that having him with them in their home and being able to light a candle of remembrance when they needed was a perfect tribute that would help them to remember and better navigate their
grief.After the initial crisis of losing a baby or child it is important to recognise the need to arrange a funeral or memorial. The workload and time demand of planning a funeral/memorial service are often underestimated so it may be useful to ask for help from a close family member or friend to assist where possible.
Suddenly, despite facing the emotional blow of death, these people are tasked with researching funeral directors, choosing a casket/urn, informing others of the passing, and arranging any other ceremonies.
During this challenging time, it can be helpful to have a step-by-step guide that facilitates navigating the obligations following a death.
Before making any decisions, it’s best to inquire with family members or lawyers if the deceased has made any predetermined funeral arrangements. You might find that the deceased outlined their wishes, sorted their accounts, and perhaps even prepaid.
However, if the death was sudden or if there’s no evidence of preplanning, it’s best to start with researching funeral directors.
A good place to start your search is by checking with the National Funeral Directors Association (NFDA.) Next, search for local funeral directors. It’s easy to forget about money when emotions are high; however, always remember to compare prices and check reviews in advance. In some cases, Funeral Directors will waive costs or significantly reduce them when dealing with the loss of a child or baby. Don’t hesitate to ask around for funeral home recommendations. Everyone experiences death; there’s sure to be someone who’ll point you in the right direction.
This is the big question, and will generally be decided by the preference of the parents and close family. Think about how you want to remember your baby and whether you would prefer keeping them close at home or whether you place their ashes in a family grave or columbarium. Once you’ve made your decision, here are the next things to consider:
When it comes to purchasing aninfant coffin or casket, your chosen funeral directors should have a selection to pick from. However, you’re not obligated to use their products. You should be able to use products purchased elsewhere free of charge.
The choice is really yours when it comes to urns. There’s an endless selection to choose from, with metal, wood, stone, and ceramic being among the most popular. It should be decided whether the urn is to be a keepsake or for holding the ashes until they’re scattered.
You might think you’re confined to a solemn service. However, there are numerous options to choose from. Here’s just a few to consider:
Direct burials and cremations are also available. You might want to consider organizing a scattering ceremony in order to honor the ashes of the deceased.
Planning a funeral can take a lot of strength, patience, and dedication – especially if you’re doing it alone. Keep in mind that there’s always help and support to be found if you’re struggling to cope with the organizational demands.
If you feel unable to fulfil any of the above-outlined steps, don’t hesitate to ask close family and friends for help. There’s always someone close or an organization that can help shoulder the workload.
necessary and natural part of life is death, we all experience it at one time or another. However, that doesn’t change the fact that the loss is often hard yet inevitable.
A loss of a loved one or even a distant acquaintance can destabilize us in several ways. To begin with, we’re struck by the fact that the person is no longer here. The often-unappreciated comfort that they’re always contactable or reachable is suddenly ripped away from us. Research done on the topic of grief has shown that this sudden loss of control is sufficiently profound to make some mourners question their own deeply held beliefs. This could possibly be why we hear people question their faith or begin asking "why me?" in the event of a tragic loss.
Following on from the initial shock is an overall sense of emotional wounding. Studies have shown that the general sadness and heartbreak involved in grief are often strong enough to accumulate in mental health issues. This tells us that grief and loss can alter the inner workings of our minds to the extent that we develop illnesses.
It's also been noted that there are physical side effects of mourning. Grief has been proven to weaken the immune system, leading to the uptake of diseases and infections in grieving individuals. Further still, this physical impact can increase inflammation, aggravating conditions such as arthritis, psoriasis, or other related chronic medical conditions.
Overall, death wreaks havoc on the mental, physical, and spiritual health of those affected.
Such a powerful emotional blow is processed differently by everyone in the aftermath of a loss. In fact, there are well-known categories of mourners that people are generally placed in depending on how they process grief or cope in the days following a death.
This is the person whose reaction is to take action. They put their emotions to the side in order to organize, plan, and execute. Some would argue preoccupying your mind is a coping strategy rather than an effective way to grieve. However, focusing your energy on tasks can help digest the situation at hand and prevent entry into a state of shock.
Some people will simply be unable to process events in the following days, meaning they will experience grief further along the line.
Some mourners immediately begin to process their feelings and will feel comfortable expressing their emotions in the days following the loss.
There are many more ways of dealing with the aftermath of loss which are all valid. However, regardless of how we cope following a death, we may still find ourselves tasked with dealing with the aftermath.
The work load and time demands of planning a funeral service are often underestimated. If the deceased has not preplanned their funeral, the obligation is often passed on to family or loved ones.
Suddenly, despite facing the emotional blow of death, these people are tasked with researching funeral directors, choosing a casket/urn, informing others of the passing, and arranging any other ceremonies. However, perhaps the most demanding tasks following a death are the more practical obligations. These include sorting out wills, filling for probate, and cancelling accounts.
During this challenging time, it can be helpful to have a step-by-step guide that facilitates navigating the obligations following a death.
If the deceased has or hasn’t left, a will can change the organizer’s experience entirely. If there’s no will to be found, the state’s laws of descent and distribution will determine who receives property or goods by default.
However, if there is a will, probate will take over. Probate is the court-supervised process of authenticating a last will and testament if the deceased made one. It includes locating and determining the value of the person’s assets, paying their final bills and taxes, and distributing the remainder of the estate to their rightful beneficiaries.
So, if you are in possession of the will, you are required to file it with the court as soon as reasonably possible.
Before making any decisions, it’s best to inquire with family members or lawyers if the deceased has made any predetermined funeral arrangements. You might find that the deceased outlined their wishes, sorted their accounts, and perhaps even prepaid.
However, if the death was sudden or if there’s no evidence of preplanning, it’s best to start with researching funeral directors.
A good place to start your search is by checking with the National Funeral Directors Association (NFDA.) Next, search for local funeral directors. It’s easy to forget about money when emotions are high; however, always remember to compare prices and check reviews in advance. Don’t hesitate to ask around for funeral home recommendations. Everyone experiences death; there’s sure to be someone who’ll point you in the right direction.
This is the big question, especially if no guidance has been left by the deceased. Think about what would have aligned with the deceased preferences. Ask around; you never know who they may have spoken about this subject with. Once you’ve made your decision, here are the next things to consider:
When it comes to purchasing a coffin or casket, your chosen funeral directors should have a selection to pick from. However, you’re not obligated to use their products. You should be able to use products purchased elsewhere free of charge.
The choice is really yours when it comes to urns. There’s an endless selection to choose from, with metal, wood, stone, and ceramic being among the most popular. It should be decided whether the urn is to be a keepsake or for holding the ashes until they’re scattered.
You might think you’re confined to a solemn service. However, there are numerous options to choose from. Here’s just a few to consider:
Direct burials and cremations are also available. You might want to consider organizing a scattering ceremony in order to honor the ashes of the deceased.
Planning a funeral can take a lot of strength, patience, and dedication – especially if you’re doing it alone. Keep in mind that there’s always help and support to be found if you’re struggling to cope with the organizational demands.
If you feel unable to fulfil any of the above-outlined steps, don’t hesitate to ask close family and friends for help. There’s always someone close or an organization that can help shoulder the workload.
One of the most caring acts you can take that ensures the financial and mental peace of your loved ones following your death is to plan your funeral in advance. It’s also guarantees you the funeral you want for yourself.
For a long time, making funeral arrangements was believed to be the sole realm of those who’re expecting to die. However, recently, there has been an upsurge in people of all ages and health conditions wishing to have a say in their final goodbye.
Whether you’re planning for yourself or for another, funeral arrangements generally follow the same pattern. To begin with, you’ll be faced with the prospect of finding suitable funeral directors.
Behind every smooth-running funeral is a team of expert funeral directors. So, as long as you pick the right people for the job, your pre-arrangements should be adhered to and your wishes fulfilled.
To begin with, you may want to look for a member of a professional association such as the National Funeral Directors Association (NFDA.)
However, most people go off word-of-mouth, so be sure to ask friends and family if they have any recommendations. A simple Google search should inform you on how many funeral directors are in your locality. Browse their websites to see if their services match your preferences, and be sure to check reviews.
Next, you’ll have to ask yourself the big question:
First and foremost, let your family or whoever you suspect will be in charge of arrangements know your wishes. To ensure everyone knows it’s a definitive answer, consider writing your choice down and signing the document/letter. By doing this, you’ll avoid any undue stress during what’s already an emotional time.
If you wish to be buried, you’ll have to choose where you’d like your remains to be entered. Whether it be a mausoleum or in a cemetery, be sure to let someone know or take official note of it.
Keep in mind that you’ll generally need to purchase lot space wherever you wish to be buried. This can be arranged in advance by contacting the owners of the cemetery or mausoleum.
Pass on all purchase and official details to your funeral home of choice.
Location, Religion & Environment: These are the core deciding factors that should influence your choice.
Multiple or single plots: If you plan on being buried with family, you may want to look into purchasing a larger plot.
Visit the cemetery: There’s only one way to know for sure if you’d like a graveyard to be your final resting place, and that’s by getting a first-hand look at how it’s run.
Once in contact with your undertakers, be sure to enquire about their selection of coffins. You’re not obliged to purchase a casket from the funeral home. Rather, you can shop around with alternate providers. Funeral homes are required to accept these products without charging you any extra fees. However, keep delivery fees in mind.
Some of the popular kinds of cremation urns are a keepsake, biodegradable, companion, infant, veteran, picture, religious, theme, and art. Consider enlisting the help of the person or people that will be in possession of your urn following your death.
You may want to purchase a cremation casket for the funeral service that is used throughout cremation. Avoid metals or any materials which are impervious to heat or flames.
Science Care are the predominant official body with which you can register your intent to donate your body. The process only takes 3 minutes but be sure to let your loved ones know you’ve registered.
In the aftermath of a death, it can be tough to get everything and everyone in order. While funeral services tend to appear straightforward, there’s usually more detail than you think.
The first thing to consider is what type of service you’d like.
Funerals, graveside services, and memorial services are the most common types. However, you can also have a funeral service in your own home.
However, despite the main service, you may want to include an extra event such as a scattering, celebration of life, viewing, or even a traditional wake. Whatever it is, be sure that you’ve either planned it in advance or let your family/next-of-kin know your wishes.
Keep in mind that direct burials and cremations are also an option.
Important: If you plan on being cremated, it’s vital that you let it be known how you’d like your ashes kept, scattered, etc.
Usually, unless any official announcements of death are made, word trickles out slowly. All things considered, it may be best to pre-plan an announcement that can be posted online or sent through email, text, and letter.
Moreover, you may have some people in mind that you specifically wish to be made aware of your passing. If so, be sure to make a list of these people alongside their contact information.
You have several options and plans to choose from when paying for your funeral arrangements. Usually, you’ll be given the opportunity of paying a lump sum or monthly payments over a fixed time. Who you make these payments to will either be a plan provider, a funeral director, or into a nominated bank account.
However, if you’re over 50, be sure to check if any of your insurance policies offer funeral payment schemes. Life insurance at any age tends to provide similar schemes.
Suppose you fear you’ll not be able to pay in full before your passing. In that case, you can allocate money from the selling of your possessions or property to cover funeral expenses in your will.
Very few people would ever claim that planning your funeral is an enjoyable experience. Often we have to detach our emotions from our actions while dealing with funeral arrangements. Having a guide to see you through this process can help you from straying too far from the task at hand.
At the end of the day, planning your funeral means your family won’t have to in their darkest hour.
Dealing with both life and death across thousands of individuals your hospital is a fantastic wealth of experience and information for you during your crisis. With inhouse chaplains, counselling and links to local charities and up to date advice on how best to cope with your situation they will be your first point of call for getting the right support during your loss.
Support that we receivedWorking within the community across all stages of life and death, local churches have a wealth of resources in the community to help you through this time.
Support that we receivedFamily and friends can often be your rock during times of crisis. With deep understanding of your lives, they can help and assist in ways that others cannot. Often the largest challenge for people going through crisis is actually communicating to their family and friends what they need. Sometime people feel awkward asking for help, often family and friends wants to help but have no idea how to.
Some things that you may seeSome friends that you expect to be there for you, won’t be. Some friends will become distant. Some lesser friends that you don’t expect to be there will step up and help you more than you can imagine.
But why? This is because grief is incredibly complex, for some of your friends your loss will open up old wounds and will remind them of their unresolved grief and pain. They may feel awkward and guilty as they want to heal your pain but can’t. The key thing to remember though is that this is not a personal insult but something that they need to work through. If you keep this in mind you will avoid the pain and disappointment that this could bring and hopefully keep your friendship alive;.
It amazes us how many wonderful charities there are setup by caring people who have either experienced your loss or who have a calling to help people going through difficult times. Whether you need help during a crisis, assistance with getting through or help to navigate grief and loss charities are only a google search away.
Following the shock of losing a loved one, it is generally expected that most people (+50%) will successfully cope with their grief in their own way with little long-term issues. However, for the minority that are left it can be a hard, dark and painful journey. For some it may lead to depression and for a smaller few it could lead to suicidal thoughts. If you feel unable to move through your grief please call your doctor, counsellor or other health professional, if you feel suicidal then please call you helpguide.org on 1-800-273-8255 or Lifeline Australia on 13 11 14.
Counselling is a common way to address feelings of grief and loss. Essentially fighting our natural tendency to bury feelings of loss and grief deep in our thoughts counselling helps us to better understand and cope with our loss. Whether you see a counsellor in person or take up one of the new online services we feel that it is a beneficial service to assist you to better heal following firef and loss.
Support that we received:During our journey we felt an underlying tendency to bury the pain of our loss deep inside hoping that time would heal our wounds. Often from time-to-time things would remind us and cause an upwelling of emotion and tears. In the early days we attended joint counselling which was helpful in forcing us to talk about the experience. Later, our desire to create and share Eternity Pebble forced us to both accept Charlie’s loss but to also openly talk about it with others. Although this has been incredibly difficult at times (even just writing this piece is hard) in hindsight we have both progressed well in our acceptance of his loss and hope that you can do the same.
